tatteredsheets:

• (are an) anorexic or suffer anorexia
• bulimic or suffer bulimia
• suffer with ednos or other eating disorders
• suffer from bpd
• suffer from depression
• suffer from any mental health illnesses/problems
• are a burner
• are a selfharmer
• have been bullied/abused/neglected
• have attempted or thought of suicide

i want to follow you all.

I’ve gotten a few messages asking what happened, so I figured that I would make a post about it after all.

It’s kind of hard to know where to start, I mean, I did make some posts when things were really starting to go downhill, but that was quite a while ago. I’m not sure where I left off. Possible Trigger Warning, so here’s a read more.

Read More

So, I’ve been gone for quite a while. Maybe half a year, with the exception of a few posts here and there. It’s been long, and it’s been hard. I won’t really go into what happened unless someone asks, but I think that I’m going to start posting here again. But not reblogs. Just personal stuff, if there is any. I keep a journal and many writing notebooks though, and that will most likely not be appearing on here. From this post on, Everything will be mine, and it will be original. Photography, writing, everything. My reblog blog is www.thekittenscoffeehouse.tumblr.com if you want to check it out, or follow that one instead.

Message me if you want, I’ll always be here to listen even if I don’t post.

Hi everyone, please check out my new blog http://thekittenscoffeehouse.tumblr.com !

Sorry I haven’t been updating much. I guess I just have nothing to say.

I give up.

I don’t want to get better. I don’t want to even try.

So it’s over. It’s fucking done.

I don’t even have the energy or the anger to cut. It’s been over a week.

I’m not allowed to leave my house alone because my parents and my doctor think I’ll jump in front of a train. That’s the only way that I would even consider killing myself, so that’s not a possibility.

I just want to be abandonned. I don’t want anyone to care. Then I’ll be able to restrict all I want, and hurt myself however much I want, and hopefully that will make me actually want to die again. I’ll care. It won’t be positive at all, but at least I’ll care about something.

(Source: fknhelder)

My doctor wants to increase my calories. My dietician gave me the choice of either adding a dessert and a fruit to my meal plan, or one carb, one protein and a fruit. I want to take the carb, protein, and fruit option because it’s healthier but it ends up working out to more calories so then part of me would rather take the dessert and fruit, but either way I’m going to feel soooo disgusting and I don’t know what to do because I’m just scared of everything and  I’m super hyperactive because of the new meds and oh my god.

(Source: staticbones)

I have bearly slept all weekend. Yesterday, I had so much anxiety that I lay awake in bed for 3 hours before finally calming down enough to fall asleep at two in the morning. I slept like two hours, then woke up again with my thoughts racing. Either my anxiety attack never ended, or I had another one a couple of hours after, because all morning I was shaking and my heart was pounding so freaking hard and I couldn’t concentrate on anything except that horrible feeling of doom inside of me.

I got to the day program, but was still freaking out and my nurse kept hovering over me asking me if I felt like self harming, or if I had any suicidal ideation. My doctor wasn’t even in town today, so she couldn’t come and help me calm down a bit. (Which is a serious problem, because she’s usually the only one that can get me to think even a little more rationally…)

Eventually I just completely crashed. I thought that my high-strung/nervous/energetic phase (which has been going on for a good three or four days now) finally came to an end, and that I could enjoy the emptiness of my depresion once again, except that right now (nighttime), I’m feeling all hyperactive again. What the fuck is going on with my mood?

My doctor did call me earlier though, to make sure that I was okay. She said that she was worried after talking to one of the nurses. She says that it might be that my body isn’t dealing with the prozac too well, so when we meet tomorrow we’ll discuss exactly what I’ve been feeling, and maybe we just need to go a little slower with the pills…

But like seriously heart please stop pounding I can’t function properly like this.

dreaming-ofthis-love:

But, I don’t even know how I feel.

I jogged for an hour and a half before forcing myself to stop. The whole time, I was completely consumed with thoughts about suicide and how angry and betrayed I felt by my doctor. I don’t want to speak to her ever again, but she’s the only one I used to feel comfortable speaking to and I can’t give that up right now. I don’t know what to do.

I know I’m probably over-reacting, but I can’t help it. I bet she doesn’t even realize how much she’s fucking with my emotions right now. I also know that from the eating disorder treatment perspective, I do need an increase, because I lost a bit of weight this week. But can’t anyone understand how hard it was for me to trust my doctor enough to take anti-depressants even though the last thing I want to do is get better right now?

Plus I’m not sure if the increase in suicidal thoughts is because of starting prozac or if it’s eating disorder related, but shouldn’t that be more important right now that freaking me out with more calories? I thought it was obvious that I wouldn’t be able to handle it right now, I already told my doctor. For her to do that over a weekend, when she knew she would not be present, pisses me off to an unimaginable extent.

Last night, it was so hard to stop cutting. I only cut a couple of times though, before forcing myself to go jogging instead. You have no idea how much I wish I could have woken up with shredded legs this morning. I’m so disgusting, what the fuck.

And now it’s snowing and it’s only november and I feel liike a failure and I have to go in to day treatment anyways and eat because everyone wants me to get fat and I just want to die but I’m too afraid to kill myself but I think that I could do it tonight if today doesn’t go well but my parents won’t let me leave the house alone anymore because my doctor told them that she doesn’t think I’m safe enough once it’s dark and I just don’t know what to do I want to speak to her like asap but I want to hate her forever.